Whilst suffering from writer’s block, I put out a call on FetLife for what people would like to see me write about. The most popular answer was “space bears”. I would love to blog about space bears, but they have very little impact on my kink experience. Also, they would maul me if I divulged their secrets. The space bears are benevolent masters unless you cross them.
There was also a request for my experience on the interaction between masochism and submission, so I thought I would talk a little about that this time.
When I returned to London and began to immerse myself in the kink scene in earnest, I had a false start with a dominant whose main fetishes seemed to be rooted in humiliation. This experience was short-lived, for a variety of reasons which I won’t go into here, but I learned some important lessons about myself: namely, that I don’t get off on humiliation at all, that I will not tolerate more than a certain amount of interference with my appearance and daily behaviour, and that I am probably not a lifestyle sub.
There is very little a dominant can say to me that is any more humiliating than what I tell myself every day. Psychologically, I am already fettered by low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. Having them reinforced is not remotely erotic to me – it is simply a confirmation of what my inner demons know to be true, and of all the things they whisper to me when the night is dark and I am on my own.
That, and I’m as stubborn as a three-week-old wine stain. If you try to get me to do something I don’t want to or I don’t understand the reasoning behind, I will dig my heels in so hard they leave craters. I wouldn’t say I was particularly assertive, but when I have the bit between my teeth it will take far more than physical punishment to deter me. For me, the attraction of submission – particularly as a masochist – is in relinquishing control and allowing myself to simply feel. As I’ve said before on this blog, pain and compliance help to drag me out of my head and give me a break from my thoughts for a while.
I guess I’d conclude that my submission is dependent on my masochism – I can be masochistic without being submissive (did I mention I love power struggles? I love power struggles), but I can’t really be submissive without being masochistic.
I try to let my submission inform my dominance, and be the kind of dom I would want for myself. My experience with this is limited. I’ve never been particularly confident (see above), and my lack of fine motor control makes me pretty wary when I’m in a position to hurt people. I don’t get off on controlling people’s daily behaviour any more than I get off on having the same done to me. I do get off on that gentle flutter of eyelids, that sharp intake of breath, and those involuntary movements that tell me that my playmate is walking that razor’s edge between pleasure and pain. I have always enjoyed scaring people. My sadism is gleeful, almost childish – somewhere between a pantomime villain and the antagonist from a Bond movie.
My experience of both S/M and D/S (in so far as the latter applies to me) has changed with my recent introduction to rope play. Rope has given me a whole new variety of ways to experience the many facets of my sexuality, and I’m very much looking forward to seeing where else it’s going to take me. The future is, as ever, an adventure.