I’ve gone a bit quiet, haven’t I?
I think most bloggers hit a brick wall after a while. Mine came a few weeks ago. I was running out of firsts to blog about. I was also running out of anything positive to say, and for some time I have had an insecurity about expressing negative emotion online beyond a certain point.
Being between jobs, I have more than the usual amount of time to examine the ways in which I interact with people. There are things I have known about myself for a while: I trust easily, become attached easily, and I’m fiercely loyal to people even when they prove they don’t deserve it. I tend to blame myself for elements of a friendship or relationship that go wrong.
This creates a certain amount of difficulty in just about any kind of relationship, but it’s particularly harmful in a BDSM-flavoured one.
Recently, I’ve been realising a truth of the mantra that the power in any BDSM relationship should lie with the submissive. I’m not a submissive, of course – that ground’s been covered here before – but I am very frequently a bottom and a passive/receptive party in relationships. I take my cues from the people around me, and am often reluctant to take the initiative myself in case I hurt someone or make a fool of myself. And I’m horrifically insecure. I rarely believe that I have a great deal of power, which often means that I don’t.
And when I don’t know that I have power, my partners don’t either, and that’s where things start to go wrong.
If I’d known when I started what the power dynamic of a rope scene can be like, I don’t think I’d be sitting here typing this now. I am naturally risk averse, and being tied up leaves you exposed in more than just the literal sense. The transaction between a top and a bottom is often unseen and unspoken, but sometimes all the more powerful for it. And I wasn’t ready for that, and I wasn’t ready for what comes afterwards, when you realise that you can have the most powerful emotional connection possible when there’s rope between you and yet, in real terms, that could mean absolutely nothing.
I didn’t know. That left me powerless.
I think part of what drives me to learn to tie is to try to develop a greater understanding of how that connection develops on both sides, in the hope of shielding myself from that kind of exposure. I have no idea if it’s going to work. Luckily, I enjoy tying as an end in itself – it appeals to my creativity – so I stand only to gain from learning. But I’m approaching everything with more caution now, because I’m definitely not ready to be hurt like that again. No more can I bear the idea of doing it to someone else.
I think it’s time for me to learn, so that as many of my experiences as possible are informed.